Noche: also, sometimes I wonder weird things, like what would happen if someone put a tampon in their ass.

en: why don't you try it and find out?

Noche: *chuckle* Nay. One- not particularly interested in being anally penetrated. Two- I'm afraid it'd get lost, and I don't want to tell a parent that they need to take me to the hospital to get a tampon out of my arse.

en: they have strings, don't they? tie it to something!

Noche: *howl*

en: (and by the way, point One isn't that bad)

Noche: I'm not arguing that it is- just that I have a ver-gine-er for a reason
Noche: I shan't argue against it until I have walked the figurative mile with something up there

en: *snort* yes, but you're not using all your assests that way

Noche: *snort*

level of regularity: poop
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Garbage - Vow

change to Dux!!!

Dux: No Doubt was pretty big in their Ska-ish days
en: if I'm not mistaken, they actually hit him off the stage and into the pit, but I don't remember for sure
en: Gwen
Dux: Rawr! I know!
Dux: I want that woman!
Dux: Her and Pink. Pink is flye!
en: foursome. us. hot tub. bottles of Midori. good times
Dux: Amen, brutha! Amen!
en: *growls at the anticipation*
Dux: ::flicks tongue at the mental image::
en: *jacks off to image*
en: oh, wait...no. too late for that
Dux: ::gags the bearded clam::
en: ha
Dux: (well, Hitler-moustached clam)
Dux: *chuckle*
en: *gives your clam the Seig-Fucker salute*
Dux: ROFLMAO
Dux: you did that the first time I told you about the Hitler-thing :-)
en: I did? well sure
Dux: I remember when we made our high school History teacher do the Hitler-salute
Dux: and I can just picture you at /con raising your arm to the clam
en: ha
Dux: Henceforth, my clam is named Hitler
en: we yelled 'air raid' at my 7th grade Geography teacher and he cowered under the desk. we got a detention for the whole class, but it was worth it
Dux: lol!!
en: *molests Hitler*
en: oh
Dux: Muha!
en: you know, that if you call your clam Histler, you can say that Nostradamus predicted it's eville 500 years ago
Dux: ROFChocking!!!
Dux: That is tooo funny! It's perfect!
en: I shall copy this little bit of the convo for PWA if you don't mind....?
Dux: abso-fucking-lutely!


en: don't you dare tell me you're busy
Auto response from Noche: I can't talk to you. Busy

en: aaaaa....FUCK YOU

level of regularity: sore
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: the heater

#THE Adux joined
patchworkangel:: *grin* If hell exists, I'm going there anyway. I might as well get myself a front row seat.
revolver:: Dux!!!
#THE Adux:: Y'all still in here?
revolver:: did you get your 'exercise'?
revolver:: yeah. we're stuck here. no one will let us out
#Kira:: indeed, Heather
#THE Adux:: played Muggleopoly with hubs
#Kira:: Hey Dux
revolver:: is that what you call it? *snorts*
patchworkangel:: Dux!
#Kira:: (oh, is that what the call it now?)
#Kira:: or, word, En
#THE Adux:: ::snog room::
revolver:: Kira, we are quick becoming twins as well.
#THE Adux:: that's what Draco (Noche) calls it
#Kira:: indeed
#THE Adux::
#Kira:: *cackles* no, not /that/ it Dux, the other it *wink*
#THE Adux:: oh...too drunk to do that
#Kira:: (apparently En)
#THE Adux:: plus I'm bleeding like a pigdog
#THE Adux:: ain't happening
#THE Adux:: but I can still suck cock...so who knows
revolver:: *offers*
#Kira:: ah, I see *whispers* am I the only one who thought she insinuated that she was going to do that?
#THE Adux:: We actually played Monopoly
revolver:: no Kir....
#Kira:: *cackles* Mwa!
patchworkangel:: Ah...reason number one I hate being female. Never trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and doesn't die.
revolver:: you beat him into submission, I assume?
#Kira:: *waves sword threateningly at Heather* how rude
revolver:: "Give me Park Place, you dog!!!"
#THE Adux:: Well, En, he's from America (coughCapitalistcough) and i'm from Holland (coughSocialistcough)
#THE Adux:: who do you think won the game?
#THE Adux:: he did...he always does
#Kira:: *pats*
revolver:: ha!
patchworkangel:: ^^; Well, I'm female whether I like it or not. *backs away from sword* So I can't trust me either.
#THE Adux:: xactly heather
#THE Adux:: it's weird...we just leak
#THE Adux:: and leak...and live!
#THE Adux:: Muhahaha
revolver:: coughbloodywoundcough
patchworkangel:: They got a greasey, skinny, amputee to play Santa at the mall nearest my home town. o_O;;
#THE Adux:: I'm so drunk...it's not even funny anymore
#THE Adux:: LOl@H
revolver:: I'm right with you Dux. this wine is the fucking bomb
#THE Adux:: I've had too much...
revolver:: I'm on bottle 2
#THE Adux:: can barely read what y'all are typing
#THE Adux:: Me too!!!
revolver:: *high five*
#THE Adux:: oh, hang on...bottle 3
#THE Adux:: ::high five::
patchworkangel:: *wants a good drink but is under age and living in a dorm*
#THE Adux:: catch up, bitch!
revolver:: well shit!! I need to catch up then
#Kira:: *gives up* ah, I've been training to be a Dianic priestess, all that wonderful women's mysteries stuff, but what can you do
revolver:: *drinks from bottle, spilling red wine everyfuckingwhere*
#THE Adux:: ::pictures that and smiles::
revolver:: I'm wearing a white shirt too.
#THE Adux:: what time is it there, En...it must be like 5AM
revolver:: 6 actually
#Kira:: how are you under age Heather? oh, that fecking weird 21 thing. I cannot for the life of me understand 21 being the drinking age
patchworkangel:: Yeah. 6 here
#Kira:: *tries to keep up with y'all*
#THE Adux:: me neither!
revolver:: we're a bunch of Puritanical dorks in america
#THE Adux:: In AMsterdam the drinking age for beer and wine is 15
patchworkangel:: Neither can I! But I get real Egg Nog over Christmas, so all's good
#THE Adux:: hard liquor: 18
#Kira:: oh blarg, En I just commented to your journal as Pansy
revolver:: that is how I would like it to be, but I know that it just wouldn't work in the states
revolver:: oh?
#Kira:: I think, maybe not, let me check
#Kira:: oh, no, fancy, nevermind
revolver:: I don't show any new ones
#THE Adux:: Jesus...you guys are getting too clever for me...I can barely string two thoughts together
#Kira:: *shakes head* it's too fecking late to think straight - replied to your comment in my journal, sorry, nevermind
#THE Adux:: If ever you wanted to mess with the DL and his peeps...now is the time
revolver:: see, that's the advantage of being a guy. one head can get drunk, and the other can take over
#Kira:: *snorts* *dies* so I hear
#THE Adux:: hehehe
revolver:: it usually isn't much better off though
patchworkangel:: Wait...Kir just said "fecking"... Dude! I almost never find people saying that other than me.
#THE Adux:: ::remembers Nirvana song "evil dick"::
#THE Adux:: just say fucking!
#THE Adux:: who gives a motherfucking fuck?
#THE Adux::
#THE Adux:: ::slurs::
#Kira:: yup, I caught "fecking" when it was going around - from Noche - and I still have it
revolver:: you know, I love Nirvana, but I hate a good part of their music. does that make much sense?
#THE Adux:: uhuh
#THE Adux:: ::nods::
revolver:: ah....Noche....that infectious bitch.
patchworkangel:: I usually say fuck, but I got feck from a Scottish friend, cuz that's what it sounded like when she said it.
#THE Adux:: lol
revolver:: she gave me savvy and I gave her word and muewah!
#THE Adux:: When ya speak Scottish...ye eeeelongate yer vowels and you say shite a lot...and cunt
revolver:: mmmm....I feel all nice and warm now
#Kira:: Noche is very infectuous. I say fuck for more serious emphasis - or when I'm talking about actually fucking
revolver:: she's like the VD that everyone wants
#THE Adux:: We're private now...we can be raunchy
#Kira:: VD?
revolver:: venereal disease
#THE Adux:: I was opposed to privetization!
revolver:: the clap, gonnorrhea..
#Kira:: *snort*
#THE Adux:: genital herpes!!!
#Kira:: well, on that note, Pansy has an entry -
#Kira:: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sc_pansy/
patchworkangel:: *snerk* Interesting conversation piece here.
revolver:: I honestly don't care one way or the other. I will say what I want to say whatever we rate ourselves
#Kira:: I think I may make a hella overdone Slyth
#THE Adux:: here in the States...I've seen more genital herpes commercials than ever before
#Kira:: I'm sure you will En
#THE Adux:: "When my genital herpes flares up, I take Valtrex" LIVIN' THE LIFE I WANT!!
#THE Adux:: ROFLMAO
revolver:: you must watch the vd channel then
revolver:: I don't catch many of those
#THE Adux:: bwahahaha
#THE Adux:: try FOx
revolver:: *howls at Drunk!Dux*
patchworkangel:: Nice, Kir.
#Kira:: thanks, Heather
#THE Adux:: Fox...it even sounds like "fucks"
revolver:: do you all remember when douche commercials were all the rage?
#Kira:: this sounds like a poop writer's discussion, En
revolver:: "Mom? do you ever get that unclean feeling?"
#THE Adux:: MUAHAHAHAHAHA
revolver:: it does. in fact it just may be
revolver:: *drinks more wine*
#Kira:: I have never seen a douche commerical I don't think, thank the Goddess
#THE Adux:: UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!! Get it away UNCLEAN!
revolver:: they are fucking always walking on a beach!!!! always!!
revolver:: get your dirty snatch out of my ocean, woman!!!!
#THE Adux:: ::dies::
#Kira:: *shakes head*
revolver:: how'd you make that box, Dux?
#THE Adux:: those douche things are actually nice though. You stick the "irrigator" up yourself filled with warm water...
#THE Adux:: then you squeeze
#THE Adux:: and it makes you all tingly
revolver:: the irrigator?
revolver:: *howls*
#Kira:: "irrigator"
#THE Adux:: good alternative to "happy hour"
#Kira:: *shakes head again* I'm glad they're good for something
revolver:: what about a champagne douche? would that work?
revolver:: you'd be all bubbly
#THE Adux:: prolly
revolver:: *is fucking trashed*
#THE Adux:: and yes, they call it an irrigator
revolver:: I shall call it an alligator then
#THE Adux:: I remember when my mum bought one. She asked for it at the drugstore counter...nervously saying it was for a friend. ::howls::
patchworkangel:: I think I'm the only person on my entire floor who hasn't had a single drink while at college. >_<
#THE Adux:: ::is too drunk right now::
#Kira:: *pats Heather* I didn't drink at all in college
revolver:: sounds like a boy buying condoms!!
#THE Adux:: Oh...i've got a joke for you.
revolver:: you are an anomoly, Heater
#Kira:: indeed, En, but he might be planning to use those on his friend
revolver:: tell me!
#THE Adux:: but I'll tell it when I'm not wasted
revolver:: this is true.
revolver:: I always sniggered when I got stuck cashiering at Voldemart when a PYT would come through with some condoms.
patchworkangel:: "We have all these toys around here and what are we playing with? A BLOWN UP CONDOM!"
revolver:: (PYT being Pretty Young Thing)
#Kira:: (thank you for the clarificaltion En)
revolver:: (no problem)
#THE Adux:: Voldemart!!!
#Kira:: these being PYTs of either sex, En?
#THE Adux:: oh, yes!
revolver:: no, I always seemed to get the guys. imagine that, huh?
#THE Adux:: eat fromboth dykes, as they say in Dutch!
revolver:: I guess they felt a kindred spirit in me or something
#Kira:: *whispers* I bought condoms last summer, I blushed ordering them online *shakes head* and I was a safe sex educator, for heavens sake
#Kira:: I bet, En
revolver:: *has just poured wine all over his computer desk*
#THE Adux:: LOL
patchworkangel:: I love seeing condoms on the impulse item rack, especially when you have to ask the cashier to get them from the chelf behind them for you.
revolver:: I will say that I refuse to buy them from old ass ladies. it just creeps me out
#THE Adux:: I mean it's like: "Yes I fuck! don't you??"
revolver:: I /don't/ want my grandma knowing I have sex
#Kira:: I think I would like that best of all
revolver:: no1!! old people don't fuck!!!!
#Kira:: I love to ya know, freak people out
#THE Adux:: yes, they do En
#THE Adux:: I've seen it~
revolver:: I'm not hearing you.....la lalalllalalalalala
#Kira:: apparently En won't be fucking when he's older
#THE Adux:: poor old en
#Kira:: poor En
patchworkangel:: Ha!
revolver:: bah. I won't get old
#THE Adux:: well, now I'm falling asleep
#THE Adux:: ::bids all the bitches goodnight::
revolver:: *gooses Duxie*
#Kira:: gnight, Dux
patchworkangel:: *snogs Dux* Night
#THE Adux:: ::blows origami birds::
revolver:: later on you dirty wench">

level of regularity: tired and pissed about our homophobic culture
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Staind - how about you

Schloo posted this, but I simply couldn't bare to look at it in all black. so, I added color, for I just do cool shit like that. I hope you enjoy this. Oh, and for the record, whilst this was going on, the dirty movie booth chat room was inhabited by Noche, Schloo, myself, and the lurking wok and Alex. That's about all you need to know. ~en


Noche Cage:: Have I mentioned lately that I love you?
schleamon:: Yes, dear - But reading ti is always a treat
Noche Cage:: eNdeed
Noche Cage:: To reiterate- I love you a great deal.
schleamon:: Lets share
schleamon:: I love you as well
Noche Cage:: And I may have spelled that r word incorrectly.
schleamon:: Looks good to me
Noche Cage:: Cool. What are we sharing, diseases?
schleamon:: hmm
schleamon:: sounds fine
schleamon:: I'll give you scabies
Noche Cage:: *puts OCD on table*
Noche Cage:: Oh, those are game?
schleamon:: right then
Noche Cage:: Here goes some gangrene.
schleamon:: who's up for paranoia
Noche Cage:: Fresh.
Noche Cage:: Ahh, got it.
Noche Cage:: Want some of my Tourette's?
schleamon:: I'll take the gangrene, and offer burning diarhhea (which I am certain I have not spelled correctly)
schleamon:: Having missed the tourette's, Ill go with...
Noche Cage:: two r's and one h.
schleamon:: thinking...
Noche Cage:: lyme disease?
Noche Cage:: *thanks en* We share the Tourette's.
schleamon:: not worth as much in this market
#revolver:: I'll offer some buring and painful urination to either of you
Noche Cage:: Heh
schleamon:: quite good - En
#revolver:: I'll make do, Schloo
Noche Cage:: urinary tract infections? how can you live without?
schleamon:: Okay - but what do you ask in return?
#revolver:: not in a long while (knocks on wood)
schleamon:: literally?
#revolver:: I would love some mange
#revolver:: ha
schleamon:: good
Noche Cage:: *snort*
schleamon:: I can offer mage
schleamon:: Mange -
schleamon:: and a bit of tooth decay
schleamon:: want some tooth decay?
#revolver:: sure. I'll trade you sinus infection for it
Noche Cage:: Nay.
#revolver:: *has LJd*
Noche Cage:: *unravels a fresh new package of gingivitus* You know you want to upgrade to this.
Noche Cage:: it has an unnecessary 'u'. Of course you do.
schleamon:: right - so that's sinus infection, burning urination, and gangrene for me - but I'm looking for some erectile dysfunction (I'm a collecter)
#revolver:: too true. I'll toss in the really long hair that feels the need to grow out of the center of my forehead for free
Noche Cage:: *hugs* I adore you.
schleamon:: good
Noche Cage:: Mwa
#revolver:: I can't help you with the ED, Schloo. you might have to get that from Adam
Noche Cage:: *snort*
schleamon:: center of the head hair, great - but what about warty knuckles... do you have any of those in stock?
Noche Cage:: *sorts through lupus collection to get the really bitching shit* How's about this instead?
#revolver:: nope. I'm fresh out. I traded them for a good case of shingles
schleamon:: I'm looking for the seed type warts
schleamon:: let me know if any pass your way
#revolver:: I shall
schleamon:: Noche - anything you are looking for?
Noche Cage:: ...and herpes simplex virus? One or two?
schleamon:: rare ticks, maybe?
#revolver:: who wants ulcers?
schleamon:: ew
#revolver:: and/or athlete's foot?
Noche Cage:: I'd like a rotting appendix in a jar.
schleamon:: stomach or mouth?
#revolver:: both
schleamon:: YES
#revolver:: mouth cost a bit more tho
Noche Cage:: Can I have amputated body parts for 400, Alex?
schleamon:: I can give you an impacted molar for a two pack, En
#revolver:: sweet. what about an unguinal hernia?
schleamon:: Noche, I can give you an amputated ear
schleamon:: bit waxy
Noche Cage:: Gangrenous?
schleamon:: but it still smells a bit
schleamon:: no gangrene as yet, the flies are starting to gather
Noche Cage:: How's about some SARS in a jar?
#revolver:: no takers on the hermia, I see. *puts it back on the shelf*
schleamon:: Everyone knows SARS is a myth
Noche Cage:: *stealthily pockets the hernia*
schleamon:: I can give you a few sugar pills to clear it up
#revolver:: I'll trade your for two boxes of anthrax and a jar of ebola, Noche
schleamon:: Can I get in on that ebola trade?
Noche Cage:: Hey, I'm Arab. I don't need any more Anthrax.
#revolver:: *snort*
Noche Cage:: I was going to ask for some ebola.
schleamon:: Mwa ha
Noche Cage:: I hear it turns your tongue black. I want that action.
#revolver:: well, I have shitloads of it, so ante up
schleamon:: Too true, darling - but please spare me some of the black death
#revolver:: plague? I'm in for some of that
schleamon:: All of the rats I infected for safe keeping escaped
Noche Cage:: You ruined your Christmas present
schleamon:: so I'm fresh out
#revolver:: shit
Noche Cage:: *hands over*
schleamon:: Lovely
schleamon:: Lovely lovely
#revolver:: we likes the ebola, preciousssssss
Noche Cage:: *snick*
Noche Cage:: I got a hot tip on some gonnorrhea, anyone down?
schleamon:: Mmmm.
#revolver:: the clap? hell yeah
Noche Cage:: Comes with crabs free.
schleamon:: how long can you hold on to it, I may need it in a few weeks
Noche Cage:: We'll put it on layaway
schleamon:: Okay
#revolver:: I can round up some TB for any interested parties
schleamon:: but what'll it cost me?
Noche Cage:: Who do I have to kill for a brain parasite?
#revolver:: surprise me, Schloo. I trust you'll give me fair market value
#revolver:: Khan (is who you have to kill for one of those)
Noche Cage:: get me some lympoma and we'll call it even, Schloo
schleamon:: I have two nice little ones in my own noggin, Noche - I'll need someacidic maggot paste to hack them out for you
owkk:: okay you all... I must be off to bed
schleamon:: Bye Owkk
#revolver:: do you have any mad cow disease, wok?
schleamon:: Love you dearly
owkk:: I have to get up early.. and I'm on strict orders from teh P to get sleep
Noche Cage:: Adios, Wok
#revolver:: (and to see Matrix)
Noche Cage:: Sweet dreams, yeah?
#revolver:: no, but everyone must
Noche Cage:: Schloo, how will a power drill do?
owkk:: actually I'm sorry I just sold my last bit of Mad Cow last night
owkk::
#revolver:: shit. you should have known I needed some
owkk:: I should have... and I'm stupid for that... will you ever forgive me?
schleamon:: En... I'm thinking bleeding itch and yeast infection for the TB - Fair trade?
Noche Cage:: I know hoof and mouth is a poot substitue, en, so I'll give you half off
#revolver:: I guess. if you can come up with some clamydia
#revolver:: that works
owkk:: I'm quite happy to say that I dont have Clmydia
#revolver:: sure you don't
owkk:: or Clamydia for that matter
schleamon:: Clamydia, hmmm
#revolver:: anyone have genital herpes they can spare?
owkk:: Though I should give you the number of my Ex... she might be able to help you there... no telling where she's been the past 3 years
#revolver:: mua
Noche Cage:: I offered simplex one and two
schleamon:: well, I don't have a great deal of it left - but I'll part with Clamydia for some angry anus
Noche Cage:: Mwa
#revolver:: oh, I must have missed that, Noche. I'll take those
owkk:: someone.. boot me and make me leave
owkk:: I must get sleep
#revolver:: *boots wok*
owkk left
Noche Cage:: I booted her
#revolver:: ha
Noche Cage:: /show booted
Noche Cage:: shit
schleamon:: /showbooted
schleamon:: /show booted
Noche Cage:: did it
schleamon:: good
#revolver:: oh, by some rare chance, do you have either Malaria or West Nile?
Noche Cage::
Noche Cage:: Houston is a West Nile pit. Have it for free.
Noche Cage:: Malaria's gonna cost you
#revolver:: oh great
#revolver:: how much?
Noche Cage:: we'll call it even if you get me some genital warts
#revolver:: alright
schleamon:: I'll out bid that and and a bit of warty knuckles I just got from a side vendor
#revolver:: and I think that I am completely out of diseases
#revolver:: hey
schleamon:: watch me
schleamon:: or don't -
Noche Cage:: mwa
schleamon:: because I have a good bit of glaucoma that can aid you in turning a blind eye to my double dealings
#revolver:: *sneaks African Sleeping Sickness-bearing flies into Schloo's house*
Noche Cage:: *cackles at Schloo*
#revolver:: muwahhhh
schleamon:: Are you guys getting a little drowsy?
schleamon:: klc
schleamon:: sedgjpsdjf
#revolver:: not a bit
schleamon:: sleepymdfn
schleamon:: sooo ... sleeee.pppyyyy
#revolver:: did you slip us something, you dirty ho?
Noche Cage:: I was asleep earlier- why I came in late
schleamon:: :reaches for the vivarin:
Noche Cage:: Mwa
schleamon:: Bastard En
Noche Cage:: I have intimate experience with caff in pill form.
#revolver:: so you call me a bastard, and capitalize me? you hussy
Noche Cage:: Heh
schleamon:: for that, I will re0infect rats with bubonic plague, and send them to you with the fury that only their eville little rat hearts can hold
schleamon:: all for a few puss filled growths
#revolver:: oh yeah, we'll I'll send you fleas with plague. now what? be more scared
schleamon:: low price, neh?
schleamon:: rats for puss filled growths and fleas with plague?
#revolver:: just like walmart, but without the smiley face, replaced with the biohazard sign
schleamon:: you could do better - we're friends here
Noche Cage:: Muha
#SarcasticMoonGoddes left
#SarcasticMoonGoddes joined
Noche Cage:: SPD
#revolver:: are you stayin' or going?
schleamon:: make up your bloody mind
#revolver:: shut the damn door. I'm not trying to heat the neighborhood
schleamon:: or light it - turn some of these off
schleamon:: :flicks off the blacklight Noche is rolling joints beside:
#revolver:: ha
schleamon:: Roll em in the dark
Noche Cage:: I can.
#revolver:: those fuckers will be lopsided and shit
Noche Cage:: Mwa
schleamon:: and don't eat all the Doritos
Noche Cage:: Good idea. *goes to get some*
Noche Cage:: You know, I actually only learned to roll last year.
#revolver:: slacker
#revolver:: bowls are better
Noche Cage:: Never used a bowl.
Noche Cage:: *offers Doritos*
#revolver:: I think that bowls last longer
#revolver:: *takes some Doritos, offers Smarties*
schleamon:: well - we don't need three heaters and a 27 bulb chandelier to decide
Noche Cage:: *takes the red ones*
Noche Cage:: word
schleamon:: :flicks off more appliances:
schleamon:: I whore myself night and day
schleamon:: and you two act like I can squat out money
#revolver:: and you're good at it
Noche Cage:: Hey. Don't mess with *that* appliance. *turns the...appliance...back on*
#revolver:: *hears the bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound from Noche and giggles*
Noche Cage:: That's my pager making that noise, I swear.
schleamon:: I'd turn it off, but I don't plan to reach in there to do it
Noche Cage:: Mwa
#revolver:: *uses the remote control*
schleamon:: Okay
schleamon:: Hey
#revolver:: *full power*
schleamon:: Why is En holding my arms behind my back?
Noche Cage:: *turns it on en*
#revolver:: *Noche vibrates herself across the room*
#revolver:: *likes*
schleamon:: I can't turn the damned thing off with my teeth
schleamon:: oh
schleamon:: :realizes that was the initial plan:
schleamon:: You are both filthy
Noche Cage:: *cackle*
Noche Cage:: Your the one smeared in butter
#revolver:: we are
#revolver:: and wearing the nurse outfit
Noche Cage:: I bought that for him, you bitch
#revolver:: I don't want it now that it is butter-covered
Noche Cage:: *gets backup*
Noche Cage:: Anything to keep you away from the gay cowboy outfit
#revolver:: you don't like my crotchless chaps?
schleamon:: I do - but they smell fishy
Noche Cage:: *hides eyes* Save me, Schloo
schleamon:: Looks at SMG
Noche Cage:: Mu-ha
schleamon:: you been wearin these again?
#revolver:: uh...no
#revolver:: not once.
schleamon:: By her silence - I will assume she has
#revolver:: ha
Noche Cage:: I concur
schleamon:: You should smack her, En
#revolver:: I should
#revolver:: but she is ickle
#revolver:: *smacks her anyway*
Noche Cage:: You should buy her something to fix that smell
schleamon:: Her silence is a blinding admital of womaning up your gay boy pants
#revolver:: now I have to bleach those damn things.
Noche Cage:: *snort*
#revolver:: /that/ smell neva comes out
Noche Cage:: Febreze, bitches
#revolver:: muwah
Noche Cage:: *sigh* Someone smoke for me. I can't now.
schleamon:: Why - the Dad?
#revolver:: I just did. *blows smoke at you*
Noche Cage:: sweet dreams, yes?
schleamon:: yes
Noche Cage:: I hope all is well.
schleamon:: Everything will be fine
#revolver:: *muchos glompos, Noche
schleamon:: I demand it
Noche Cage:: *glomps*
Noche Cage:: love you, hon
schleamon:: Ishould probably go offline and do some writing
Noche Cage:: Adios, Smaug
#SarcasticMoonGoddes:: I'll be off now. Finished my writing and have t o go.
#revolver:: let's go, Schloo. I have to do laundry.
Noche Cage:: Night loves.
#SarcasticMoonGoddes:: Sweet night and chocolatey dreams
#revolver:: see ya, 'Lex
Noche Cage::
schleamon:: right - En
#SarcasticMoonGoddes left
schleamon:: Bye dears
schleamon:: Love you both very dearly
Noche Cage:: bye poop writers
#revolver:: see yall
Noche Cage:: igulamente
#revolver:: poop writers signing off
Noche Cage left
#revolver left

level of regularity: amused
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Smile Empty Soul - Bottom of a Bottle

I need to rant, and I need to do it now.


And I don't have time to waste.

A message needs to be sent to the furthest reaches of this internet.

It is this:

Wash your damn ass.

Just that. It isn't all that hard. If you are too goddamn big to reach your God-given folds, get a rag and tack it to a stick. Get one of those nifty little loofas on the end of a back scratcher. I don't care!

Just do it.

And when you're done, throw away whatever you used, because the ass is a dirty that cannot be cleaned in the same manner twice.

Don't taint that rag and expect to use it again. The ass you stuck it in is so nasty it makes the air full of your skanktified flavor.

Not delicious, I have to tell you. I'm honest like that.

Noche, En, you got anything to add?

Heh.

Funny you should mention this, as I was discussing it with my family recently.

Boiled down to the bones of it- there is no excuse for being stank nasty. Particularly in a public environment.

I was looking through a Walgreens paper a couple of days ago, and noticed something that pleased me to no end. With a coupon, you could buy bars of soap, five for a dollar. Five! Do you know how much ass can be washed with even one bar of soap? Five bars of soap. Even I can divide well enough to discern that that is about twenty cents a bar.

If you can afford to steal change from a mall fountain, take off your sock and lather up in that bitch, you can afford to be clean. I'm not talking about the guy who lives under the bridge, although this can apply to him as well. Anyone who comes to work smelling like gangrenous ass on a stick obviously has a job, and therefore no excuse. Any person who is employed has no solid basis for being able to say, "I can't spend twenty cents to clean my ass."

Away from the poor theory, maybe the stench is to be blamed entirely on the cracks and crevices? I mean, you can only spend so much time in the shower, and so many gallons of water trying to clean them. Maybe we should start a service. We'll build one of those seventy-five cent car washes in an abandoned airplane hangar, and, wearing hat-mat suits and dark sunglasses, we hose them down, using salad tongs to lift any areas too undesirable to soil ourselves upon. Maybe we could create something like a human toilet bowl cleaner. You stick a little tab in the hard-to-wash areas, and it keps it disinfected and minty-fresh for three to five business days. We'd make a killing here in Houston. It's one of the fattest cities in the country. I'm also fiddling with a body-hair solution we could offer. Something involving pruning shears.

...'cause you've got to be innovative!

En, anything to add?

Look at us.
Such attention whores that we do what we have just done.

You reward us with your presence on our LJ - and here we are - posting up an entry that demands you add shit to our walls.
Add shit to our walls.

Not only that - we have made this appear at the top...
for all time.
What asses we are.

If you like, you can throw some shit here to tell us how shitty it is that we are such shit-eating attention whores... and shit.

Or not.

We'll still make fun of you.

Schleamon does not speak for Noche. Noche has this to say:

I am not a shit-eating attention whore. I am a shit-writing attention whore.

And you aren't awarding me, goddamnit. I see no Noche-worship. I see no twenty-one gun salute. I see no parade.

Even worse- I see no shit on my wall. And that is a sad state of affairs, mes amours. A truly sad state.

Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Diarrhea cha cha cha

This may be driven by lack of sleep.
Hell - let's be honest...

This is entirely driven by lack of sleep - regardless -

I HATE POTHEADS!

Let's talk about why, for a moment - shall we?

It may be the Republican in me that causes the detest for those with the affinity for saying 'dude' - and it is because of this that my cohorts in crime will probably ream me left and right for my opinion. Dammit - I cannot abide them. At least let me get out why.

First and foremost - smoking pot is illegal.

This is usually a deterant.

You know - possible jail time. Getting high - not all that important when you are looking at claustrophobia and butt-rape. En may step in here with an objection - but what can you do? Not everyone is as fond of the tight elasticity that is God-given to the rectum. If they want to lose the ability to pinch one of mid-sit, that's fine. Who am I to stop them? I suppose they could argue they don't have to deal with rest rings - but I'm not asking for pretty poop.

Moving on.

The illegal side of the pot smoking issue is not that big a deal to me.
It is not that I condone it - nor do I look the other way.
What I mean by -'it is not a big deal to me' is - I am certain that the only reason pot is not legal is becasue the government cannot regulate it.

Drugs are bad for other reasons. One of them being: My brother.

My stoner brother.

Sarah - can I borrow some money?

No J-boy.

it's not for that - it's for lunch money. I'm sooo hungry.

I'll bet. Is your mouth dry, too?

Man, Sarah - I'm hungry. Just a little bit - just two bucks. You can't buy drugs on two bucks.

No, J-boy - you can't. You add it to the other money you are hoarding to buy drugs.

:J laughs:

No, it's not like that. Please. I just want to get some food for lunch.

:I am silent as I think about how much I dislike him:

Come on. I'm not buying drugs today.


Why did I give in? Why did I give him 5 dollars that I know is going to go toward some chronic?

GODDAMNIT!

I'm done for now. Feel free to call me a tight-assed Republican bitch that should loosen up and smoke some.

Never have - never will.

No interest in losing control.

How can I be a workhorse when I don't give a shit about anything but finding the Doritos?

Yes, I do think that you are a tight-assed Republican bitch. And yes, you should loosen up. But that doesn't mean that your brother is not a loser pothead.

You want to smoke some weed, that's all good. However, being an addict is synonymous with weakness, something that this Slytherin is not fond of. (Bring up my smoking here and die. I don't smoke as often as you'd think. And I don't disrupt other people's lifestyles by doing so. Maybe En and I should rant about this later.)

I'm all about narcissism. Do what you want. But when you have to depend on other people, and tell weak lies for your habit- that is when the 18-hour bra that is my support ends.

But I do have to counter a couple of your points. Something being illegal makes it a deterrent?

Now that's just foolish, hon.

You live in the state that kills more people on death row than probably all the rest of the states combined. And you're talking about deterrents? There's something a leeetle wrong there.

Secondly, there is the point of balls. Get a fucking job, you pathetic arsehole, you need to say. (And dig my Yoda-ese.) If I wanted to spend money on the chronic, I'd be buying that shit for Noche. Or not.

I can understand he's your brother. I can understand that you may have some sort of misguided affection for him. Yes, yes. But if he's hungry, fix him a goddamn sandwich. You have to take the policy that I take with bums on the road- yes, I'd like to help you. You're hungry? Then I shall give you food. But don't you dare ask me for money under false pretences. It's not my place to judge them and decide that they can't be trusted with my money. But it's my goddamned money, and they could get some, too, if they tried. And if I want my money to go to heroin or beer, then I'm going to buy some to inverst in starting my own little street apothecary. Suck that, brother dear.

My point is- do not give him your money. Your hard-earned money, Schloo. The money that you work your ass off for. Do not give in. If he wants to get a little smokey-smokey, he needs to join the magical world of the working. Hello, S.J.'s brother. I'd like you to meet my friend Responsibility. Suck that. Can't get a job at Kroger because they drug-test? Mow some fucking lawns. Paint houses. Hire yourself as a migrant worker, cause, honey, it's not like you're gonna get anywhere else with that habit.

And I resent the comment about the Doritos, stinky bitch. *munch munch*

Update on the loser that is the pot head:

In the relationship that you have with someone that you do not think is a bad person, but that you know does bad things - there is always a constant... constant... tragedy - just waiting.

I have thought many times that my brother does bad things, but he is not a bad person.

When an expensive bottle of Captain Morgan's Sipping Rum disappears from your new home, and the only people that have been to said home are family - you make the automatic assumption that strangers have been in your house while you were not there.

It is not an unthinkable conclusion when you live in a community where any number of office personel may have a key to your home.
But you now feel less safe. Less.

But -
when you walk into your brother's room many months later - and you see an empty bottle of the same expensive brand... your heart freezes.

Your breath catches in your chest.

You feel disbelief.

"How odd that he would find a bottle like that when..."

But you don't even finish, because you know.

Your brother has stolen from you.

You realize that you - and your fiance - knew it all along.

You both remember very clearly taking the bottle out - tasting it. Setting it on the counter. Feeling like this place could be home. Going to bed.
You both know that the next day was the first day J-Boy came to the house.

Your brother has actually stolen from you.

He has taken more than a stupid bottle of rum.

And what he has taken, neither of you can ever restore. Well, allow me to put my twenty dollars in here. I'm much more expensive than two cents, by the way. Okay. First off, I'll hit on the ickle brother stealing. Stand by.

First off, I will tell you that I abhor thieves. Absolute Abhoration. Now, I will tell you that I used to be a thief. Yes, I was a complete shoplift-aholic. I don't think that I actually bought anything for about a two year period. Why did I change my seedy ways? It was no longer exciting. I was too good at it. I could have stolen the tie from around a person's neck in the height of my evilleness. Now, looking back, I hate what I did.
Thieves suck more pole than both Dubya and Osama in a drunken gay orgy.

Now, were your stoner theif brother to live with me, I do believe that he would cease to be as a person. I won't go into any graphic details right now, but rest assured that he'd never do it again. Do you know that in old Venice they would chop thieves' hands off? You didn't? Why am I not surprised? They did. So, J-boy would no longer have and digits on one of his arms. I'll even let him choose which one. And, on a further did-you-know...Did you know that they used to cut a foot off of a theif in some african country or another? I believe it was Sud Africa (South Africa to those of you not in the know), but it could have been Nigeria. Wherever it was, they were mining gold. They called it 'hobbling'. The person could still mine for gold, but they sure as hell couldn't run away with it. So, mighty mighty Schleamon, your bro would be missing a hand and foot.

Now I shall rant on pot. Again, stand by.

I have absolutely nothing against pot. I personally hate it, but if that is what you want to do, go right ahead. Where I take offense is if you involve me in it. I work in a restaurant, which means that a large majority of the people working there take drugs of some sort. This is FACT. Go to any restaurant and you will know this. I work with a bunch of servers whose whole workday revolves around coming to work stoned and then going to buy more pot when they get off. They are fucked up the whole time they are there and that affects me. They can't do a damned thing right half the time and I have to do their shit in addition to my own shit. *Shakes fist menacingly*

I also have two people that I used to consider friends until they decided that smoking dope was more important than the rest of us. These fuckers were always scrounging around for money "Hey, can I borrow ten bucks?" Fuck no. Get a job. Speaking of jobs, they would get one, work long enough to buy a huge bag o' weed and then quit. Once this was gone, they'd do it again. We used to get together every weekend, about 14 or so of us, and just hang out. Well, these two slowly stopped coming around. The only time we'd hear from them was when they needed something, like being bailed out of jail. This happened on more than one occasion, by the way. The last time, none of us would do it (though we all had more than enough money to do so apiece) and he stayed there for however long it was. This same individual was the one that continually pawned his shit for drug money. He was also banned from donating blood for money, I believe. What a fucktard.

So, like I said, I hate pot. Actually, I believe that I hate potheads more. The occasional smoker is fine, just constant-use assclowns piss me off. Something else that bothers me about people like that...Don't they realize that the 'real world' is much more than the Arbys and Burger Kings that they work at now? There are real jobs out there, ones that have nothing to do with french fries, ones that pay good money. Apparently such aspirations are beyond their feeble pot-damaged minds. Too bad, assclowns. I'll see you when I pull up in my Jag to your drivethrough when we're both in our 30s.


Me: Yes, I'll have a number four with no catsup and a Dr. Pecker.
Will: Uh, do you want fries with that?
Me: Will? Is that you?
Will: Uh, yeah. Uh.
Me: So you're still here, huh?
Will: Uh, yeah.
Me: Yes, I'll take fries, you lazy assclown.

level of regularity: annoyed at LJ
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Jo Dee Messina

I have something to bitch about. Old lady drivers. Why is there always an old lady with a fucking bouffant in a shiny Lexus (or a brand-new Camry if her husband ain't a preacher and they can't afford the former) in front of me on the road? I mean, no matter where I am, there she is. I think she was sent from Mordor to stalk me or something. Beneath that Dallas-style coif lies a beast of the worst sort.

And, you can't very well give an old lady the finger, cause if you do, she'll write down your license plate number and report you to her police cheif great-grandson. Yeah, she can see it. She can afford Lasic surgery, bitches. Go ahead and call me paranoid. I'm going to tell you about how I'm sure the gubmint is watching my family one day. I have proof!

Now, I ain't going on the 'old people shouldn't drive' rant. Because there are some badass ole grannies out there who put the pedal to the muthafuckin' metal. They got their bathtub gin in a hipflask and they'll run yo ass down. Those aren't the ones I'm talking about.

Come on. I realise that I don't exactly follow all of the speed laws there are. I'm sorry. I know I don't. I embrace it.

But I ain't slowing folks down, bitches! I am not causing folks stuck behind me to fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck. Ing. Hell.

Hell, don't even get me started on old ladies attempting to drive, Noche. I could rail on that for days. Weeks even. Actually, I shall start on it. All you old prunes out there can get over it and toss your keys away.

Okay, here we go. When you are soo damn short that I can't see your head while you're driving, something is wrong. It frightens me to see a huge ass Crown Vic rolling on the highway with no person visible at the wheel. Christine ring a bell to anyone? For all I know that car could be seeking to destroy my car.

Old ladies don't seem to know that there is a thing as a minimum speed. I can not tell you how many times I've been on the freeway, stuck behind some ol' bitch going 35 or so in a 65/75 zone. My blood boils. If you don't have the reflexes to drive faster than that, you need to do one of two things, preferably the second of them. One, Get the Fuck off the Highway. Two, hand your keys over. You obviously can't drive anymore, so you have absolutely no business on the road. You are not only endangering your own life, but you are endangering those all around you. I swear upon whatever any of you hold holy that if I get hurt by some ol' bitch who can't see over the wheel that I will not only kill her, but her extended family as well as a good number of her friends. I know that this seems harsh, but every single time I've been in an accident, it has been caused by a woman. An old woman. Stupid!!! Four times. All old.

My grandma made the decision to give up driving when she couldn't do it anymore and I have total respect for her. I don't mind at all going to pick her up and taking her to the store. Not a bit. I'd rather do that than have her jeopardize others on the road.

I think I shall end my driving rant for now, since I have run out of ammo. I'm sure I'll find something else in the morning when I drive to work.

Hand your keys over to me, old ladies. Y'all notice these bitches drive these pimpmobiles? Damn, all I gotta do is change the station from whatever Barry Manilow shit she was listening to while driving her friends she plays bridge with the the bingo game to something that whups monkey ass and I'm in business.

Old lady pimp mobiles? You know what I say?
I say - when they are that close to death - make 'em drive in old critter style. Pop those bitches in a hearse.

Oh yes.

I can see it now.

That's right, Velda. You think you aren't too damned old to drive? Well then, have a seat behind this wheel.

You like cars that are too big for you, right?

Black seems to be the colour of choice for your kind.

And don't get uppity about the younguns shoving you off into the unwanted-mobiles. We appreciate your driving skill, and want to preserve it for as long as we can. Hence the formaldehyde.

And if you get tired, pull over to the side of the road and head on into the back. We've got a bed ready for you there - and if the sun is too bright on your cateracts - just close the attached 'shade'. That will block out any unwanted rays.

And this way - you are all set for the long slumber. Just in case.

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'rest in peace', eh?

level of regularity: Old people stank.
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Garbage- Temptation Waits

I will freely admit that I seek out dirtysmutpornfics on a semi-regular basis. Why? Because I can. So, in my many many forays into the world of Nastiness Savviness that is hommeslash I've come across many many fics that have soo obviously been written by a female. Why? Because they have absolutely no idea what the hell they're writing. I figured I'd start this off with a bang and give you my Four Points that all female homme-slashers should know. These shall be shown in the Form of an Ordered List. Beware.

• Point One. The act of two males doing it that way isn't as easy as one might think. You don't just ram that thing right up the ol' tailpipe. No sir. Imagine anal sex being like driving a car the wrong way on a one-way street. Sure, it can be done, and is quite fun, but it isn't something to undertake lightly. You don't just rush into the deal and expect everything to be peachy. No, you look for anything that might get in your way and be quite careful about it. Haste makes you not get any. Get the idea?
  



• Point Two. LWL? Lube? What Lube? Okay, what I want you to do, and you will do it, for you fear me, is take a coke bottle in your left hand (preferrably one of the old glass ones if you have them around somewhere) and attempt to push the bottle into a patch of earth. Not too easy, eh? Well, no shit. Consider that a fair analogy to not using ski wax, cocoa butter, or some other lovely slick agent. Oh, and add a five pound bag of Fucking Ouch to the analogy. Buckets of sand. Buckets of sand, you ask? Yes. Buckets of sand. I told Noche once you might as well toss a big bucket of sand up one's ass if no ski wax is used. Not a pleasant thought, is it? That's also a reason why sex in the ocean or on the beach isn't that grand an idea. Use lube in your fics, ladies!!!! Keep your sandboxes outside where they belong.




• Point Three. Penises, or Peni, as I find it funny to call them, are very rarely the "magnificent eleven inches" you find in some smutfics out there. I would convert eleven Inches of Penis to Centimeters of Penis, but I don't do metric. Fifty Centimeters of Penis? I don't know. The only metric I know it the two litre bottles my Mountain Dew comes in. This isn't to say that there aren't gigantic peices of hot manflesh out there, but I'm not seen them. And, they're certainly not to be found on any of the boys at Hogwarts (but if they were, I'd transfer. Cough Cough) The average size of a male's third leg is 6" (again, I know not metric. 74cm?) But, as I am always well above average in everything I do, I snicker at the average mens out there. *Snicker Snicker Snort*
  Ahem...This is a typical snippet from a dirtypornsmutfic I've seen out there: "Draco pulled out his magnificent 11" member.." Stop!! That is wrong. Here is a corrected version of the line: "Draco pulled out his five incher, which happened to look like six or maybe seven since he shaved his shrubbery that morning." See the difference? I thought so.
  



• Point Four. Failure to mention the after-effects of doing the deed. What goes up must come out is an old proverb that I changed slightly from it's original form. I won't bother you with it, because I believe you are smart enough to figure it out. Nothing ruins a moment like sitting on the old porcelain throne getting rid of the 'love sauce'. Ack and Ick. More Ick than Ack. This might be left out due to a sense of decency on the part of the writer, but I am willing to bet Noche's Eville soul that they've never considered it. Also, it's not like you immediately go about your business as if nothing happened. Soreness shall abound. The Ministry of Silly Walks might contact you. And....Saliva shall not be used as a ski wax substitute. Your mouth is full of krillions of bacteria that really have no business in your ass. Really, they don't. Not a bit. Nothing positive will come of it, except for perhaps the stock of toilet paper companies, since you'll be spending a bit of time listening to things splash down. Sorry about that, Justin. We were young and ignorantly blissful. We didn't know any better. Though, you spending a good chunk of the next day in the can blowing your innards out is funny in retrospect, eh?
  

I hope you loverly female writers of hommeslash shall take these points into consideration next time you write good dirtypornsmut. I do know that it is certainly dirtypornsmut fiction, but do me a favor, huh?

I, for one, would like to see a smut fic that mentions the metal doo-dad that the quidditch teams have hooked up to the shower heads in the changing rooms.

They call them 'douches' - but they are really just enemas.

Douche? Who are you kidding?

I'm going to douche before the game.

WRONG!

I'm going to flush out my shit before you pack it.

So En...
Are you saying you want realism?

'Cause, the way you defined the reality just don't seem like something you would want to sit down and do the one handed type to.

When he was finished causing rectal pain that only gave pleasure through the pressure on the bladder - he unloaded - and carefully pulled out his poo-covered 5 incher.
He watched his love hobble to the toilet, where many dribbling noises were heard - causing him only to remember over and over again that he had wash to do.

Madam Hooch had said that morning that if she found one more set of Quidditch robes covered in shit, blood, and semen - they were to clean their own fucking robes.
He wondered if there was a spell strong enough to get out the stains.

But it would have to wait.

Right now - he had a poopy knob to wash.


Does that do it for you, En? 'Cause you know - nothing says love like my dick in your ass.

Mwa ha! I'd forgotten about that all important step. Nothin' stops the love like a giant turd!! Double Mwa ha! Do I smell (ha!) a cookie coming from our Moste Feared Leader? I think you should certainly write it. Anyway, I don't do the OneHandedTyping thing, m'dear. That's what I have Noche and Kat and the other Busty Pirate Wenches for.

Hmmm - you be typing with no hands then?

You make good points, En. And I'm not defending the clueless slashwriting females out there, but consider the facts.

• Point First- Girls have a straight Tunnel O' Love, as you referred to it once while talking to me. It may not occur to some of these straight ladies that getting it up the poohole might be different. Obviously, most girls who write this way are doing so under the impression that one is the 'girl', and they write him like they would write themselves. Or so I think.




• Point Second- Once again with the Tunnel O' Love. The self-lubricating Tunnel O' Love. Mwa ha! Bet you wish you had one of those, eh?



• Point Third- We are used to being lied to by guys about the Magnificent Eleven Incher. But you made me laugh nonetheless.



• Point Fourth- Good point. But honestly- do you want to read about that? The phrase 'love sauce' alone was enough to make me wince. I mean, funny- yes? Revolting? Also yes. I'm not sure if said gravy is something that we really are interested in knowing much about. Maybe it's just me- but despite the fact that we write in poop around here, I am not deeply interested in knowing about post-anal bowel movements and just what kinds of interesting things you might find in them. Unless you find Ninja Turtles action figures, because for some reason, I am very interested in Ninja Turtles Action figures. (But since you're such a fairy I suppose I should be asking for Strawberry Shortcake or something, huh?)
  

level of regularity: Dirtypornsmutfic-erific
Are they grunting or groaning? What be the noise?: Nine Inch Nails - (Live) Head Like A Hole